Don’t pick your nose. Dress professionally. Don’t speak out of turn. Tip at restaurants. These are all examples of social norms. Every society has these. They are not laws generally, not things that you can have a criminal record for violating, but if you violate them people will look down on you. For us autistics and all of us who are different, social norms are often an issue. They were not created for people like us. Practicing these norms can be more uncomfortable for us and they can unfairly put us down. That is why we may ask if we still need to follow the social norms. The short answer is it depends. The long answer is that there are some norms we have to follow, but there are three categories of norms which are unjust for us and thus we do not need to follow.
As much as I believe in personal freedom and autism rights, I am going to say there are some social norms created for society at large that we do have to follow. These include all the small things like not picking your nose in public and not going around bare chested. Violating norms can hurt others, such as when someone is canceled on or called names. Some norms might be a bit less comfortable for us, but we still need to follow them with the right accommodation. For example, autistics are more likely to have gastrointestinal issues than the general population. This makes us more likely to pass gas in public. We should not be expected to hold it in, as that is very uncomfortable. But that does not mean we should be allowed to frequently let it out in public. We need to be allowed to step out of the room when we need to do it. If stepping out of the room every time is not practical, that person may be expected to change his or her diet so that he or she is not gassy during class or meeting time.
There are three categories of social norms which one does not need to follow. There are more categories also, such as religion and access to food, but these are not usually present in free societies and thus will not be included here. The first category to be included here is any norm that is segregationist. That is any social norm that segregates or subjugates a person based on a characteristic that person cannot control, such as color of one’s skin, or cannot easily control, such as speech patterns. This was the whole basis of the Black Civil Rights Movement, where segregation was a social norm even in places and instances where it was not the law. For us autistics, we still face subjugation in some things and we have the right to fight against them and violate any norms that put us down, such as being told we cannot speak too much because our speech patterns are hard to understand.
Another category is things that affect our health and wellbeing. This includes both physical and mental health. We should not be expected to take medications for disruptive behavior as medications always have side effects. For myself personally, I have electrosensitivity, so requiring me to be around cell phones and wi-fi is an undue burden on my wellbeing.
The last category, and the one that I feel is most important, is companionship. Love and companionship is a very powerful force. It can be the difference between mental stability and suicide. This is why it should not be restricted by social norms. This is why gays fought so hard for their rights. For us autistics, love and companionship are very hard to come by, and social norms only make things more difficult for us. That is why with romance, social friendships, community connections, family connections, and all the other forms of companionship, we should not be bound by norms telling us something is not appropriate. We should not be bound by class differences, age differences, religious differences, or anything like that.
The Able Show and its blogs exist to challenge the views society has of people with disabilities and their actions, including social norms that negatively affect us. However, one should not expect society to change immediately. Even well organized movements such as the Civil Rights and the LGBTQ+ movements took years to cause society to change. In the mean time, those who went against the norms could face harsh consequences. This is the stage we are at now for autism rights, and we have certain options. One of them is to live according to all the social norms no matter how unpleasant they are for us and make the best of our lives. Another is to ignore the norms that affect our companionship and wellbeing, so long as you do not hurt others in the process (that is never allowed) but to suffer the consequences. The third one, and the one I feel is the best option, is to find a free spirited community that is not too big on social norms and lets one live as one wants. It is very hard to change society, it is much easier to find a society that accepts you.